I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
