you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
