i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We are two peas in an std pod
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
