Umm I'm too high to move.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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