If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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