If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
