If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
