I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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