My entire life is one complicated drinking game
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
