i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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