So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
