If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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