If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
