Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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