plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
