better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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