You just made me feel so damn special
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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