can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Green mimosas i think yes
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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