i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
