I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
