I am puke
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize