How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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