when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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