My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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