If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
