I'm jealous of your bromance
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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