were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize