I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
