Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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