This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
