I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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