They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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