The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
