oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
