How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
