I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
