Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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