i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
