Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize