She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
