She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
