Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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