Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
