and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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