I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
