well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
