I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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