K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
