Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
