sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I think my moral compass just broke
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
