omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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