meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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