Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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