So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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