i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
please come you make the beer taste better
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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