I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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