i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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