why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
