dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
