It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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