I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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