We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
