She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Less talking, more tequila
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize