RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
