Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
