I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
3 2 1 whiskey
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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