I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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