Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
