Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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