did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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