Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
